


Cole Saw The Coleslaw

by zephyryllis (SupernaturalMystery306)



Series: SPN Crack [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Chemistry lab shenanigans, Christening of a kitchen table, Cole is a fan of Detective Conan, Cole is an academics-lover, Cole is fed up of this bullshit, Cole is scarred for life, Dean and Cole are housemates, Dean calls himself Der, Dean is Kaito and Cole is Shinichi, Dean is a slut, Dean is honestly a slut, Exhibitionism, He fucks himself with stuff, He leaves all the doors open, Inappropriate use of test tubes, Other, STUFF- OKAY?!, but they’re not dating so there’s no Kaishin or Shinito or whatever the pairing name is.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 15:11:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6244696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SupernaturalMystery306/pseuds/zephyryllis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>Cole knows Dean's lying.</b>
</p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <i>As he stands in front of the Chemistry lab, ready to push open the door, he freezes.<br/>"Oh fuck!"<br/>That was Dean.<br/>This-<br/>Cannot be happening.<br/>Fuming, Cole opens the door. He doesn't care if he walks in on Dean masturbating. He doesn't fucking care. It is a lab, a place to study, and he can't stand someone doing such unholy things in said place.</i>
  </p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	Cole Saw The Coleslaw

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING-**  
>  DON'T EVER USE A TEST TUBE TO FUCK YOURSELF. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT GLASS DILDOS BUT TEST TUBES ARE FUCKING EASY TO BREAK. AND I DON'T WANT GLASS TO GET INTO YOUR ASS. GL **ASS** IS NOT FUN. GLASSYASS. GRACIAS.

Cole gasps and stumbles back as he sees what Dean is doing.

Fully clothed, Dean is fucking himself on the kitchen table of their shared appartment while his jeans hang low on his thighs, no underwear in sight. 

And the door isn't closed. Doesn't Dean realize that anybody could walk in?! Cas, Benny, Ash,  _any of them_.

He leans against the wall and peeks in through the ajar door. It looks like a glass dildo, but it's....  _green_.

Weird.

He suddenly hears some commotion, and backs away from the door, turning tail and going up into his room as fast as he can.

It's a good thing too, because the next moment Dean is haphazardly pulling up his jeans, although Cole doesn't know that, since he has already run away.

~~

It's about 10 PM in the night, when all five of them are hanging around in the living room, Benny and Ash laughing racously over something while Castiel merely tilts his head and appears confused.

Dean is being is usual self, closed off yet somehow lively, and Cole is reminded of what happened in the afternoon.

He is also reminded of how the kitchen mysteriously lacked certain items when Benny was shouting about how his cooking utensils  _and_  the lettuce were missing.

He side-eyes Dean, but the other dude just keeps watching the rest of their friends, so Cole lets it slide.

~~

It's the last class of their day, and Cole is getting out of the Chemistry lab. He looks behind himself, impatiently, waiting to see if Dean wants to leave with him or some friends of his.

He and Dean aren't friends. They... tolerate each other's company. They don't hate each other, well they used to, but they don't like each other either. But since they're housemates, and college is going to go on for another three years, Cole decides to behave civilly, and so does Dean.

It's weird today though, because Dean is not with his usual group of people. Rather, he is hanging back, and it looks like he's specifically waiting for everyone to leave. Cole's brow creases, and he decides to ask what the matter is.

Dean startles, apparently he hadn't noticed him, and says, "Eh, nothing. Just... looking for a test tube. One of those big ones. Got an expo."

Cole's eyebrow creases further. He hates it when Dean shortens the word 'experiment' to 'expo'. It doesn't make  _sense_ , and Cole  _hates_  senseless things.

Nevertheless, he points to the apparatus Dean seems to want. Dean looks at the thing, and says to Cole, "Er, okay, cool. Um... I'll be back later. You can go on."

Cole nods and leaves. Yesterday’s kitchen incident is still fresh in his memory, and he doesn’t really want or need to spend time alone with Dean.

~~

Halfway back to his place, he realizes that he forgot some important papers he was supposed to collect.

He curses, and turns round on his heel.

It doesn't take long, since he decides to walk fast, and soon he is standing in front of the aged Chemistry professor's office. He knocks on the door.

Receiving permission to enter, he does so, and Mr. Howell smiles at him. "Yes, Mr. Trenton?"

Cole fidgets. He doesn't like to appear forgetful in front of people. Still, swallowing his pride, he says, "I forgot to take the papers you wanted to give me, Professor."

Howell scratches his head, looking up at the ceiling as if it holds the answer to what he is forgetting, and Cole almost rolls his eyes. He hates it when people do that.

At length, the professor nods, "Ah, yes, those. Well, I left those in the lab, son. If you want you can get them from the third shelf in my cupboard. Here are the keys," he says, as he digs out a keychain from the clutter on his desk.

Cole takes the proffered items, and walks out, not before thanking the old man.

~~

As he stands in front of the Chemistry lab, ready to push open the door, he freezes.

_"Oh fuck!"_

That was Dean.

This-

Cannot be happening.

Fuming, Cole opens the door. He doesn't care if he walks in on Dean masturbating. He doesn't fucking care. It is a lab, a place to  _study_ , and he can't stand someone doing such  _unholy things in said place_.

He makes a lot of noise,  _he does_ , but Dean doesn't fucking hear him.

Moaning loudly again, his housemate continues to desecrate himself with- oh come on, is it that fucking test tube?!

It is, and Cole doesn't know whether to vomit or faint because he is both disgusted and frightened.

Dean could get hurt, just because he is petty enough to chase a fucking orgasm. The thing is made of  _glass_ , and glass is not healthy, combined with anyone's ass. Doesn't Dean realize the repercussions it can have on his safety?!

He finally smacks a hand down on the table closest to him, and the reaction he gets is not what he expected.

 _“Coleslwwlwlwlwl!_ ”

Said dude rips his hand away from the table as if it has burnt him, and stares at his housemate in horror.

_“Oh, Coleslaw!”_

**What the _everloving_ _fuck?!_**

“Dean.” He grounds out, teeth gritted. Cole is _fed up_ of Dean’s antics.

Dean stills, whipping his head towards him. He is wide-eyed, and a vindictive part of Cole is happy that Dean is surprised, and quick to get mortified.

“Dude- no. It’s not what you think.”

“Experiment, huh?” Cole arches an eyebrow. He is equal parts pissed off and happy. He is happy that Dean is humiliated, but pissed off that the apparatus of the lab is being ruined like this.

Dean flounders for a moment, before a slow smirk spreads over his lips, “Well, I was experimenting, indeed.”

Cole’s annoyed. Why does Dean always act like Kaito? (And he won’t let anybody know this, but Detective Conan is Cole’s hero.) Cole himself always feels like Shinichi, what with the fact that he always gets annoyed by Dean.

And with that sentence, Dean pulls out the test tube with a squelch that will continue to haunt Cole till he’s eighty.

Dean must see his horror, since the next moment he begins to laugh, a deep-bellied sound which he has no of letting out, on the expense of Cole.

He waves the tube around in his hand, and Cole’s jaw drops for the second time when something green plops down, which he had earlier failed to notice.

A strangled noise leaves Cole’s throat as he connects the dots.

He remembers what Benny was saying yesterday.

Having stopped laughing, Dean just grins now, a few tears having escaped his eyes.

“Do you really think I didn’t realize you saw me yesterday? I must say, I am surprised that you didn’t tell everybody.”

Cole stares at Dean, numb.

“And yeah, that’s the lettuce Benny was complaining about, among other things.”

Cole still stares at Dean, still numb.

"Among other things because this is a fucking salad. _I toss this salad like my name Zoo-lan_. I call myself _Der_.”

As Dean launches into a parody of Anaconda, Cole doesn’t know whether to cry or scream. 

He recognizes the green thing, of which the lettuce is _just the first of many components_. 

~~

They’re sitting at the dinner table, all five of them, when Dean breaks the silence, “I know that Sammy will start a rabbit food campaign if he hears me saying this, but man, we gotta eat some salad sometime. I’ve been craving it for months.”

Cole doesn’t miss the fleeting smirk on Dean’s face.

Castiel, the poor, innocent, angelic guy, says, “Dean, you are telling me that you haven’t consumed any healthy salads in the past few months? Am I correct?”

And when Dean nods, and Castiel begins telling him the benefits of vegetables, Cole scoffs. Benny and Ash are once again busy gossiping, so they don’t see his sneer.

Cole knows Dean is lying. Heck, Dean _just_ had salad that afternoon.

**_Cole saw the coleslaw._ **

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for [SPN _Cole_ -dest Hits](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com).
> 
> Theme: Someone gets fucked by a vegetable


End file.
